I am a 26-year-old female that has had a lot of ups and downs in my life. I have reached the lowest of lows, and the highest of highs. Of course there are people out there that have had it way worse than me, but also there are people who couldn’t even begin to image what I’ve gone through. I grew up in the PNW (Pacific North West) all of my life, and I plan on staying here the rest of my life.
When I was growing up there were a lot of bad things that happened to me that I used to blame myself on. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized most of the things that happened to me were totally out of my control. I found ways to cope and make it through this thing we call LIFE. I have continued to live when all i wanted was to die, and to me that is the bravest thing anyone can do. I have struggled with mental health issues from the age of 10 to the present day at 26. And addiction issues since the age of 12. I’ve suffered a lot of mental, physical, and sexual abuse growing up, and it has turned me into a beautiful person today. I always tried to figure out why these things happened to me, and my aunt always told me one day i would find out. I’m not totally sure this is why, but I feel I went through all those things so one day I can be of service to at least ONE person and maybe save a life.
The purpose of this blog is for me and my readers. It’s for me to process things that I’ve been through, work out some things in my head, and to finally move on from all this hurt. Also its to help me see the strength I had/have. So far I’ve made it through EVERYTHING in my life. This blog is 100% the truth about my life. It gets pretty nasty, sad, delightful, and really gets into the nitty-gritty. I don’t have my name in this blog at all for the simple fact that I am spilling my guts and would prefer not to have my family and friends know all of this about me. So i will be using letters and number to describe the people through out this blog.
The reason this is also for my readers is because i want other people out there struggling to know that they aren’t alone. There are other people out there that have/are going through the same things, or similar things. I made it so far, so can YOU. It’s also for the people who have someone close to them struggling with mental illness and addiction, to kinda get an inside look at what really goes on in someones head when they have a mental illness and addiction. Its to give hope to the people struggling.
In this blog I will be writing about my past and present. The blogs about my past will have a title about what I’m writing about and my present blogs will start with “Journal Entry Blah Blah” I eventually hope to have my whole life story written on this page. I hope that this blog reaches someone hurting and gives then the little light that they needed to keep going and push forward.
So much has happend…so much always happens.. I wish I could have a mind recorder and everything I’ve ever wanted to write down or blog about or even remember was all in one place, 110% secure.. I think of some pretty odd things, but it’d be nice. I always like to go back and review some memories. Memories that are gone now..some good and some..well mostlt bad.
Anyways, I’m trying to do a little routine where I either blog, or journal every morning and un-clutter my head.
Me and most of my inner and outer circle have fallen off. Didn’t really have many friends, my circle was mostly family because people can’t be trusted. It makes me really really really sad, and I constantly feel alone. Of course I have my boy friend and I always will but I am craving that one on one time with a best girl friend that I can do girly things with n talk about everything to. I haven’t had that in a very long time. About a year. Me and my life long friend, that I have literally known my whole life, don’t talk at all anymore. We were fighting off and on about being there for each other…she lives in a different state and was very needy because she really didn’t have anyone out there. She would call and I would be busy so I would call her back the very second I had a chance, or tell her I got to call her back n not call her till 3 hours later…and tk her that was me bein a shitty friend…she told me “I guess I just have way to many expectations of you…” when she said that I LOST it. My abusive ex used to say things along those lines and it really made me feel not good enough…EVER. in fact she started really reminding me of my ex. She would act very similar to how he would act. Then we pretty much talked it over after a few months of fighting off and on and she said sorry for the shitty things she said and we moved on…. well we literally stopped talking after we ended the fighting. I went to text her one day and she didn’t even have my number still in her phone. She asked who it was when I text and I never replied. Haven’t talked to her since.
Most of my relationships died when I started standing up for myself and quit letting people use me, talk to me disrespectfully, get over on me, and just quit taking their bullshit. People didn’t like the fact that I quit letting them do that shit. My bf was the one who built me back up to who I used to be before my abusive ex came along.. I’m not all the way there but I’ve made a huge change. I am thee farthest in my life right now because of him. I am finally living on my own at 26..well 25 when I moved out, I am no longer relying on my mom for all of my financial needs, and I now have a job that I haven’t had in over 10 years… but everyone hates the boyfriend because they think he got me back on heroin. He didn’t, I did! I am a grown ass women and I’ll do what I want. Even though I smoke heroin, I’m still moving my life for ward and because of heroin I’m able to make ends meet.
I’m not even close with my mother anymore. We used to be so close. I could tell her any and everything. But once again she doesn’t like my boyfriend, and in turn it has put distance in between us. The fucked up thing about these people not liking him…they never gave him a fair chance to get to know him, see who he really is, and see how well he treats me and makes me more than happy! That should be the only thing that matters. He’s not abusing me in any type of way, he pushes me to follow my dreams, pushes me to keep moving forward and tk be responsible and manage my adult life. With out hom I’m sure I’d still be living at my mothers. So when I found out I got the job my bf was the first person I told, then my mom. It really hit me that day that wow.. I am pretry much a loner because my friends can’t take advantage of me any more….
Well time to get back to life. I have a lot of things to do today.
Been having a rough few days between being dope sick and sick sick with a cold. Suicide has been on my mind lately, like A LOT! Got into it today with (86) and I was at home alone with my head. My head try to kill me. I was contemplating overdosing, cutting, shooting up, and anything else that would hurt me or make me not feel what I was feeling. I was sobbing and loosing it badly, and my dog comes up to me licks my tears away and just looks at me with this look that was saying
Please don’t I need you.
Then I started thinking damn if I did kill myself there is ZERO people I know that I would trust having her and able to give her a good life. I couldn’t stand the thought of me killing myself and her seeing me dead, whining, and then someone else taking care of her. New routine again, new people again, new everything again, it broke my heart.
So I sat on the floor with her and she almost like hugged me. She nuzzled her neck and head around my neck and just stood there for about 5 minutes. And in that 5 minutes or so I felt so needed. She needed me and I needed her. This isn’t the first time she has helped me when I was loosing it but this time was different, this time she was literally my life saver! I don’t know what I would have done today if it wasn’t for her and I was really home alone with nothing but my own thoughts.
In 2005 I overdosed on pills and died. They brought me back and I was in a coma for about a week. Dying to me isn’t scary, I crave it, fien for it, and want it so badly. I think that’s why I sleep so much is because it’s the closest thing to being dead.
Idk anymore fuck man I juss want everything to go away n not to feel anything any more. I’d give up all the happiness and love feelings to not feel anything anymore because I don’t feel those feelings much so I wouldn’t be missing out on much. Ughhhh
So done with this thing called “life”
I’m so sick and tired of this one thing after another. It’s always something, n my love said
Well baby that’s life!
Well fuck this then! I’ve been through enough for a lifetime plus some! Why won’t people let me do what I want and just end it all.
Ima be selfish one of these days. Not worry about everyone else for a change, and worry about what I want. And that is to not live this life anymore. It’ll hurt a lot of people, I know, but I won’t be suffering anymore. That’s what should be important. People are being selfish I’m my opinion for wanting me to SUFFER just to stay in their life!
Well fuck that I’m bout to jump off the ledge.
15 May, 2016
♥MY FIRST ADDICTION♥
The very first time i hurt myself other than like biting my arm or pulling my hair out was around age 11. I was “dating” (haha) this kid and was sooo “in love”. We broke up, and i remember that night feeling so very ANGRY and HURT. It was to the point where I didn’t know what to do with those emotions…alls i knew was that i wanted it to go away…to find a release somehow. I felt stupid for letting myself like someone so much, that in turn i wanted to hurt myself…almost to punish myself and feel some sort of relief by diverting my pain. This boy we shall call 56 had bought me a glass rose at some point, and when i saw that rose i don’t know what came over me or anything like that. everything i was about to do almost felt natural. I grabbed that rose and broke it without a second thought. i found the sharpest piece i thought i could find and put it to my arm. i pressed down firmly and did a fast deep cut on the top side of my arm. at that very moment i felt in control. I wasnt done yet, i hadn’t got the total relief i was looking for but i was a lot closer than 30 seconds ago. Second fast but deep cut next to it. a few more later i was done crying and almost went numb. i instantly knew it was wrong, but that didn’t matter. at that point the only thing that really mattered was i found a solution to my anger and hurt id felt for so long. looking at the blood coming from the cut was almost as watching my anger and hurt slowly bleed out of my body. my emotions, i thought, had no more control over me, I was the one in control now.
so little did i know. little did i know my life would be full of pain and uncontrollable feelings and emotions. little did i know this would be my very first addiction. Little did i know 15 Years later at the age of 26 i would still be battling this addiction. little did i know my body would be riddled with scars that told a painful story. Little did i know that those scars would be the thing my soul mate (86) noticed first about my body and completely fell in love with me that night.Little did i know cutting in fact WOULD control my feelings and emotions. So little did i know at the young age of 11.